DAY 2: Definitions

I looked up the definition of "complain" in Webster's Dictionary.

COMPLAIN: (1) To claim or express pain, displeasure, etc.; (2) To find fault; declare annoyance; (3) To make an accusation; bring a formal charge

So, I have failed miserably on my fast from complaining. I did every single one of these things before I even finished breakfast this morning. I argued with my husband, complained about my physical body, declared annoyance about the noise level in my home, and accused my husband of being inconsiderate. I went back to bed after all that!

The good news is that I didn't go back to bed because I wanted to run away and hide. He was right there next to me. In our one-bedroom house, the bedroom can sometimes be the only place to find quiet. He was having his quiet time, and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to be quiet, too.

I have had a lot of input and not a lot of time for quiet over these past two holiday weeks. I'm used to having at least a 30 minutes each day of silence, where I don't read, write, talk, or actively process my thoughts. I haven't had time for that in over a week, and I was in sore need of it this morning. I spent the first 20 minutes trying to quiet my racing mind, and though I wasn't able to settle down as much as I usually can, it was definitely a good start. Eventually, I fell asleep. And my wonderful husband let me just stay there and sleep.

Surely, you must be thinking, she did better with it all once she got up! I WISH!

I felt a little better, but I'm afraid I failed once again in the No Complaining Department. I'll tell you about that in just a minute. First, let's return to our definition again. We are told not to comment on our pain and displeasure; not to find fault or declare our annoyances; and not to make accusations or bring charges against someone.

My first big question when I read this definition was--Aren't we supposed to be honest with people about how we're feeling? I'm not supposed to pretend that I'm not hurting if I really am, RIGHT? Surely I'm allowed to feel my feelings and express them. These questions led me to think that perhaps complaining is something other than transparency and honesty. I'm not feeling guilty about sharing my struggles with you each day, so how is that different from complaining?

I realized that the command not to complain couldn't be not saying anything negative, but rather how I say it, to whom I say it, and for what purpose I'm saying it. Here's where my second failure comes into play. The first thing I said to my husband when I came out of the bedroom after he graciously let me sleep for at least an hour was, "I could just sleep all day long."

Yep...that was complaining. I was expressing my displeasure and discomfort. Could I have said that to him without it being complaining? Yes, I think I could have, but I know I didn't. I was busted! Of course, I am owning it now, but I did not own it then which led me to then fall into the next part of the definition, showing annoyance and making accusations. Boy, if I wasn't used to my failures by now and if I didn't understand that making mistakes is the best way to learn something, I would be hanging my head in shame by now!

You see, I wasn't saying it to ask for help. Rather, I was saying it so I didn't have to say, "Gee, honey, I don't think I'm going to have the energy to clean the kitchen today," or "Honey, would it be all right if I rested today? I may not get around to the usual tasks and I may need extra help with the kids, but I've had a long week and I really need some time to rest and reconnect with God."

Instead, I was putting on him the expectation that my one statement of complaint would elicit a caring response from him so that it could be his idea to give me a day off rather than it being my responsibility to make myself vulnerable and express my needs. Want to know what he said back to me?

"Today is a perfect day for a walk. Perhaps we should all go out for a walk."

I'm counting on you as women who live in this culture with me to understand that this response made me furious! It was as though he didn't even hear me! That was not the response I was hoping for, and for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon I had to wrestle with my own bad habit of complaining. I did make a good choice not to respond in that moment. I didn't want to have another argument today, so I just didn't say anything.

Of course, my head was filled with negative thoughts about how he was so inconsiderate to suggest a walk instead of that I go ahead and go back to bed. And later when he brought it up again, I was a little bit more honest. I told him that I was weighing the value of going for a family walk or soaking up the silence that I really needed while everyone else was out for a walk. He tried to convince me that a walk would be the best choice, and I went off on him again. UGH!

I felt trapped, as though doing what I knew I needed would disappoint him and therefore it would be better for all of us if I just did what he wanted. But I was angry. I didn't really feel like I had a choice at all. Once again, I took the passive-aggressive approach and told him that I didn't appreciate not having a real choice in the matter. Then I proceeded not to do anything to get myself ready for going outside. It was clear to both of us that I wasn't going, but it wasn't until everyone but me was dressed for the cold that he said, "So, I guess that means you're not going?" that I admitted that, "No, I just don't want to go."

I wonder what would have happened if I had been more clear, more honest, and more vulnerable in my need with my very first words to him after my rest? Why couldn't I do that?

Why do I skirt around subjects instead of really telling him how I feel? Why do I expect that my husband is inconsiderate if he asks me a question from his perspective rather than putting himself in my shoes and asking from my perspective? Why do I expect that anyone else in my home is responsible for taking care of me when I need to set boundaries for myself?

I'm afraid we are all going to be left with these unanswered questions today, but I am very glad that I stayed behind at home in the silence. It was exactly what I needed. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is another day of great learning and even some victory!

Peace & Joy,

Angela

P.S. Imagine my surprise when, in search of a photo for this post, I came across this amazing article about this very topic. If you click on my image credit link below, you can read it to and shake your head in awe and wonder about our God who so gently and effectively leads us!

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30 Days of Praise

I've joined a Facebook group called 30 Days of Praise. It was started by a friend who posted a note on her profile wall about doing starting the New Year with a cleansing detox called The Daniel Fast. Many of her Facebook friends expressed interest in learning more, so she decided to create a group where women can come together with the goal of cleansing both body and soul. She has invited many of us to join her to create an environment of encouragement and support. It isn't just for women who want to do The Daniel Fast, but for those who want to start the New Year seeking God in prayer, fasting, and lifestyle changes that promote a focus on praise and thanksgiving. I personally am not prepared to cut so much out of my diet right now, so I'm making one dietary change (cutting out added white sugar) and one soul change (waking up early enough in the morning to take a walk and do an hour or two of writing before my family is ready for breakfast).

My friend is also a writer, and she's blogging a daily meditation with an emphasis on praise. You can read her first post about choosing wisely what we fill our emotional selves with. She is encouraging all of us who are writers and want to blog about our journey in 30 Days of Praise to share our posts with others in our group.

Today is the official starting day, but I have had company for the past three days. I am starting my changes tomorrow, but I did have a few minutes yesterday to start a meditation, and I'd like to share it with you as my First Day of Praise. One of the things my friend mentioned in the description of the group is that she wants to cut out complaining and spend her time with God in thanksgiving rather than asking Him for things. As I was pondering this, I was asking the question, "How do we pray if we aren't asking Him for anything?"

Philippians 4:6 came to mind: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God."

This doesn't exactly fit with not asking anything of God, but it got me thinking about a different aspect of all of this. I love the idea of thanking God for things and praising Him, but I also want to spend some time thinking about how my regular thought patterns lead me into anxiety instead of thanksgiving.

As I turned in this direction, a passage in Philippians jumped out: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." (2:14-15)

Here are my thoughts about this passage:

• Complaining and arguing prevent us from being pure and blameless
• Complaining and arguing are NOT character traits found in children of God
• Complaining and arguing cast a shadow on our testimony

About a year ago, I started realizing that I was not exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I was shouting at my children, I was a workaholic, I was irritable and negative, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't really know how it came about, but one day I started thinking to myself, "I am not a good witness to Christ's power in my life. It's no wonder that the people I'm trying to witness to aren't interested in becoming a Christian. There must be more than this!"

Up until this point, I was waiting on Him to do some miraculous overhaul in my life. What I didn't understand is that He was waiting for me to give Him permission to act.

In the weeks after that thought first popped into my head, I started catching myself yelling, blaming, or otherwise "acting out," and I would stop and say to myself, "That's not how Jesus would act." This was not an exercise in self-punishment or even an exercise in trying to change my behavior. It was more of an awakening...a recognition that I was not where I wanted to be. I didn't make any sudden changes. I didn't attempt to do anything about it. I just started getting honest with myself.

Several months later I realized that I was more and more exhibiting the signs of His Spirit actively living and breathing within me. I was acting more like Him and less like the irritable she-bear that used to live at my house. I'm not saying I didn't have to change my behavior, and I'm not saying that stepping out of my denial was the only step toward Spirit-led living, but I do know that stepping out of my denial was the first step, the one He had been waiting for me to take, to initiate the breakthrough I've seen in my life this past year.

Now, I intend to apply this same principle of examination and acknowledgement to my bad habits of complaining and arguing. I'm not necessarily trying to stop myself, but I'm stepping out of my denial in an attempt to allow Him to point out where I'm complaining and arguing. In the next thirty days, I will be exploring the hidden ways that I complain and argue. I hope that my expedition will help you begin to see some breakthrough in your life, too!

Peace & Joy,

Angela

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Breathing Room (part three)

It is fitting for me to share this with you in three parts. If you are wondering why, I would encourage you to read my post on the number three.

After reading about our God who is a consuming fire in Hebrews, I returned to Isaiah 63, finishing it and reading all of 64 as well (vs. 7- Ch. 64:12):

"I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us--yes, the many good things he has done for the house of Israel, according to his compassion and many kindnesses.

"He said, 'Surely they are my people, sons who will not be false to me'; and so he became their Savior. In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

"Yet they rebelled and grieved his Holy Spirit. So he turned and became their enemy and he himself fought against them.

"Then his people recalled the days of old, the days of Moses and his people--where is he who brought them through the sea, with the shepherd of his flock? Where is he who set his Holy Spirit among them, who sent his glorious arm of power to be at Moses' right hand, who divided the waters before them, to gain for himself everlasting renown, who led them through the depths?

"Like a horse in an open country, they did not stumble; like cattle that go down to the plain, they were given rest by the Spirit of the Lord. This is how you guided your people to make for yourself a glorious name.

"Look down from heaven and see from your lofty throne, holy and glorious. Where are your zeal and your might? Your tenderness and compassion are withheld from us. But you are our Father, though Abraham does not know us or Israel acknowledge us; you, O Lord, are our Father, our Redeemer from of old is your name.

"Why, O Lord, do you make us wander from your ways and harden our hearts so we do not revere you? Return for the sake of your servants, the tribes that are your inheritance. For a little while your people possessed your holy place, but now our enemies have trampled down your sanctuary. We are yours from of old; but you have not ruled over them, they have not been called by your name.

"Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down, that the mountains would tremble before you! As when fire sets twigs ablaze and causes water to boil, come down to make your name known to your enemies and cause the nations to quake before you! For when you did awesome things that we did not expect, you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. You come to the help of those who gladly do right, who remember your ways. But when we continued to sin against them, you were angry.

"How then can we be saved? All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. No one calls on your name or strives to lay hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us and made us waste away because of our sins.

"Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Do not be angry beyond measure, O Lord; do not remember our sins forever. Oh, look upon us, we pray, for we are all your people.

"Your sacred cities have become a desert; even Zion is a desert, Jerusalem a desolation. Our holy and glorious temple, where our fathers praised you, has been burned with fire, and all the we treasured lies in ruins. After all this, O Lord, will you hold yourself back? Will you keep silent and punish us beyond measure?"

When Jesus walked the earth, his enemies knew His name. Luke 23:44-46:

"It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, 'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.' When he had said this, he breathed his last."

Revelation 8:1-5:

"When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and to them were given seven trumpets. Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. he was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel's hand. Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and hurled it on the earth; and there came peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning and an earthquake."

I will leave you with some questions, but before I do let me say this: I know that three hours is different from half an hour, but it is possible that John's experience in heaven was calculated by heaven's time, whereas the account of Jesus' crucifixion was calculated in earth's time. John was the only man who would later write an account worthy of canonization who actually witnessed Jesus breathe his last breath.

With that being said, here are my questions:

~Is it possible that the Revelation was given to John because he had the context on which it could rest?

~Is it possible that these two passages are speaking about the same event? The silence, darkness, and earthquake that occurred at the crucifixion of Jesus?

~Didn't Jesus say, "It is finished," right before silence descended?

~Is it possible that John's Revelation was a revisit to the day of Jesus' crucifixion from a heavenly perspective rather than an earthly perspective?

~If so, how should this change our view of the end times and of who/what God's wrath is really aimed at in our lives?

I must confess that I am feeling a little exposed here sharing these kind of musings. I am not trained in seminary, and I know that these musings are a bit of a departure from the common beliefs about the end times. I'm not claiming to know anything for certain. I am just giving you a window into the musings of my heart, a glimpse of the questions I ask my Savior when I read His Word. I'm sharing with you the wonder I have when I contemplate the mysteries of God, and I'm thanking Him for helping me grow more comfortable with His affections and less afraid of His great passion for me.

I pray you will also sit in wonder and allow yourself to ask questions that go against the grain. Most importantly, I pray that you will grow more comfortable with His affections toward you.

~Angela

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Breathing Room (part two)

In Greek, the word translated 'wrath' in the passage from Revelation is the word thumos, meaning "passion (as if breathing hard)." It can be translated"fierceness, indignation, and wrath," and it comes from the root word thuo, meaning "rush (breathe hard, blow, smoke). Thuo can be translated "kill, (do) sacrifice, slay."

I began to see that perhaps my fear of God's wrath is unwarranted. Isn't it true that we have been taught to believe that the end times will be frightening beyond measure? Have you, like me, ever had that feeling when someone isn't where you expect them to be that you've been left behind? I am convinced that Holy Spirit is trying to teach me that nothing should terrify me, not even Father God or the end times.

The dictionary defines wrath as "belligerence aroused by a real or perceived wrong" and "intense anger on an epic scale." Passion is defined as "a powerful emotion such as love or anger" and "something that produces a strong enthusiasm or interest in you" and "the painful death of Jesus Christ, according to the Bible."

This growing sense of wonder and affection for a God who has done everything for me was further confirmed as I read Hebrews 12:18-29:

"You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded: 'If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned.' The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, 'I am trembling with fear.'

"But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven.

"You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel [also spilled on the ground].

"See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.'

"The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken--that is, created things--so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire.'"

The next passage is very long, so I will save it for tomorrow. Until then, I pray that your thoughts will turn more and more to His sprinkled blood which has made you perfect.

~Angela

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Breathing Room (part one)

Finally, I have a few minutes to share with you what I wrote in my journal the week I decided to re-debut this blog. There is a lot of Scripture in this post, so I am going to break it up into a couple of entries over the next day or two. They are all finished, so I will send them live over the next couple of days. I am excited that this is a meditation that some of you will read over the Christmas holiday. For those of you coming later, I am sure the timing will be of no less import for you.

I began this blog over a year ago filled with deep and heartfelt emotions, and the walk through Scripture with the Holy Spirit on the day I wrote this (12-16/10) was prompted by similar emotions of anger, helplessness, and discouragement. I was feeling trapped and hemmed in with no clarity.

As I took these feeling to Him, I sensed that He wanted to share something with me, so I sat and listened. I asked him where to read, and the Scripture reference Isaiah 63:1-6 popped into my mind. From there, He guided me with word phrases and my handy concordance. Here are the first passages I read:

"Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah, with his garments stained crimson? Who is this, robed in splendor, striding forward in the greatness of his strength?

"'It is I, speaking in righteousness, mighty to save.'

"Why are your garments red, like those of one treading the winepress?

"'I have trodden the winepress alone; from the nations no one was with me. I trampled them in my anger and trod them down in my wrath; their blood spattered my garments, and I stained all my clothing. For the day of vengeance was in my heart, and the year of my redemption has come. I looked, but there was no one to help, I was appalled that no one gave support so my own arm worked salvation for me, and my own wrath sustained me. I trampled the nations in my anger; in my wrath I made them drunk and poured their blood on the ground.'"

This struck many cords within me, not the least of which was a conversation I had with a friend over a year ago about the passage in Revelation about the winepress. Here is that passage (Revelation 14:14-20):

"I looked, and there before me was a white cloud, and seated on the cloud was one 'like the son of man' with a crown of gold on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand. Then another angel came out of the temple and called in a loud voice to him who was sitting on the cloud, 'Take your sickle and reap, because the time to reap has come, for the harvest of the earth is ripe.'

"So he who was seated on the cloud swung his sickle over the earth, and the earth was harvested.

"Another angel came out of the temple in heaven, and he too had a sharp sickle. Still another angel, who had charge of the fire, came from the altar and called in a loud voice to him who had the sharp sickle, 'Take your sharp sickle and gather the clusters of grapes from the earth's vine, because its grapes are ripe.'

"The angel swung his sickle on the earth, gathered its grapes and threw them into the great winepress of God's wrath. They were trampled in the winepress outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia."

In this conversation with my friend, we were puzzling over the gore and harshness this scene evoked. We didn't know then about the correlated passage in Isaiah, and we didn't know what I have since learned about the word translated 'wrath.'

Tomorrow, I will share the Greek word for wrath and its definitions. Until then, may His face shine upon you.

~Angela

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Re-Debut

Hello everyone. It has been over a year since I've written about the mysteries of God. It has been a tremendous year filled with breakthrough, defeat, victory, and of course the ever-present mysteries of God. I am eager to begin sharing with you from a new vantage point. I can definitely say I've climbed a bit higher up the mountain, and the view from here is glorious. I've learned the secrets to some of the mysteries I've long wondered about, and new mysteries have replaced them. I'm working on a little something I'd like to share, but I'm hard and fast against a deadline of my own making right now, so it will have to wait. In the meantime, I pray you will turn the lights down low, snuggle into your favorite blanket, and rest in His love and grace for you at least for a few minutes today.
Peace & Joy,
Angela

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Come to the well, Daughter.

Oh my goodness! I am amazed at the Lord's ways! It's Tuesday, and I'm at my parents preparing to leave. I don't want to leave. I am weary and tired and don't want to go back to the frantic activity of my daily life. My home is a work in progress, just like me. Chaos reigns, just as it does in my heart so often. I am not at peace there, though that is my goal...a sanctuary from the buffeting winds of life. Wouldn't it be so nice if my heart were continually at peace, if I could find sanctuary no matter where I am? So I sit here and cry out, "I'm dry, Lord."

His still small voice says, "Come to the well, Daughter."

So, I come.

John 4:6 "Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour."

Even Jesus got tired from his journey, and he sat down by Jacob's well at the sixth hour. Jacob's well is at a fork in the road east of the city of Sychar in Samaria[1]. I am at a fork in the road, praying for direction, but feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels. The sixth hour is significant as a customary hour to rest and privately pray to God [2]. And of course, the sixth hour is when darkness covered the earth while Jesus hung on the cross [3]. In researching the sixth hour, I have found liturgical prayers that include "kyrie eleison" which has much significance for me.

I have to tell you...this is one of the most directed and meaningful personal messages I have yet heard from the Lord. This "little" conversation with God on a day when I am blue and weary has given wings to my soul. The Lord is so intimately involved in my life. I have doubted in the past that I matter all that much. I have spent a lifetime second guessing and questioning, wondering and hoping I would find His will without knowing that all along He has been revealing it. If he has been revealng it all along, then the darkness I see before me now in the form of unanswered questions about my future is not dark to Him. So, as so eloquently spoken in The Shack (Page 56), "Now comes the hard part, the waiting."

But it's not a passive waiting for manna to fall from heaven or for the next shoe to drop. It's an active waiting filled with prayer and obedience. I know this because the Lord has already put it in my heart to change some things, and this "little" conversation I've been having has brought up some past things he has spoken to my heart....So, what is my next step?

Again, I am just shaking my head in amazement at a God who is so personal...

Did I tell you that my life verse is Isaiah 60:1-3?
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn."

Did I tell you that I had a dream once in which I was crawling around on my knees through chaos in an upper room, calling out "kyrie eleison," all the while searching for my purpose and place in my world?

Did I tell you that just last week I was inspired to write a new schedule that included beginning my day with a shower at 6:30 am (those of you who know me well know I didn't come up with this on my own) and taking regular breaks to be with my kids and making room for prayer and Bible study?

Did I tell you that I've been studying the significance of the number three and that the "Fixed Hours of Prayer" are divided by three?

So...what is my next step?

Here is where my research led:
FIXED-HOUR PRAYERS
History

Calvin Tradition
Liturgical Prayer
Prayer Book

And...how does all this apply to you??? The Lord speaks to his people, corporately and individually. What clues has the Lord been giving you over the years regarding his purposes for you? Sit at the well with him and have a conversation. He longs to talk with you and give you living water that within you will "become a spring of water welling up to eternal life [4]. (vs. 13-14)" Then, you can feed those who come to sit and chat with you.