February 4, 2011

Mourning into Dancing

"I am under the darkest cloud ever right now. I see glimpses of it lifting, only to find it back over me after a few minutes. At first I thought it was intercession for others, but now I realize it is my own cloud.

I am very stressed about the packing and preparations that have to be made to get us ready to move. I have no enthusiasm. It's like all the joy has been sucked out of me. I am plagued by fears that we will get to Redding and things will be worse than they are here financially. I'm afraid that we won't be able to get an apartment/house because of our poor credit and sketchy job situations. I'm afraid that I won't find enough work to pay our bills each month. All this fear. I don't want it, but I can't seem to break through it on my own.

I feel so desperate to be gone from here. I know that if I stay in this desperate place I will miss what God is trying to show me while we are waiting for Him to open the doors. It feels like there are so many loose ends here that I don't have any idea how to tie up, and there are so many things clamoring for my attention and I don't know how to prioritize anything properly. Anyway, this is my desperate cry for help here!"

Psalm 18
Just after I wrote this and sent it to some dear friends this morning, I made a good decision. I sat down with God and asked Him to speak to my heart in the Scriptures. He took me to Isaiah 54:

"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband..."

How did He know? How did He know when I wasn't even sure what it was that was getting me down? As soon as I read it..."you will not be humiliated...you will forget the shame of your youth..." I knew this was my great fear. I fear that I have not changed. I fear that I will just move to a new place and be exactly the same as I've always been. I fear myself. I fear that His love has not changed me. I fear that the healing won't stick. I fear that I will get where I'm going only to find that I'm still there. He spoke to my fears, and He promised me that I will not be humiliated. He promised me that I will not remember the shame of my youth. I remember it right now. It is stark and clear and fresh in my mind. I've made mistakes. There are things I've done that I can't set right. But these are not the things that Holy Spirit spoke to me about.

He said, "I [lead] you with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. I [am lifting] the yoke from [your] neck. [I am bending] down to feed [you.]" (Hosea 11:3-4, paraphrase)

It was only a few minutes with Him, but it made all the difference.

Cords of Human Kindness
My friend came over and talked with me. I shared my burdens, and with words and deeds she lifted some of the burden off my shoulders. Before she left, another friend called to check on me. She got my prayer request, and she called to make sure I was all right. Soon after that I read her words that she sent in an e-mail as well: 

"Sometimes we just need to keep going~don't lose momentum do the next thing. In each situation we need to ask God to show us how to live. P.S. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then shortly after that, another e-mail rolled in from another friend:

"Remember what Father said last to You, and hang out there in thankfulness and confidence, with a worshipful stance… and breakthrough has to come! ... the absolutely worst thing that could happen is for you NOT to hear His voice, or to be so other-focused that you miss something… The worst thing is not that he might be telling you to do something you don’t want right now… that’s just the beginning of a glorious testimony later on… So I declare that we will rejoice in breakthrough tomorrow. I also want to say a mundane thing. The logistics of moving is NEVER easy. I read a cartoon in a newspaper once that said the first punishment God gave was to make Adam and Eve MOVE...You are a lioness, Angela… Today you have experienced discouragement, but I reckon it’s a passing feeling and not a lasting spiritual state. Just a little black raincloud… maybe it’s meant to take you out… but that dog won’t hunt. You were created masterfully and equipped specifically to handle every challenge you face; God knew who you were and where you have issues and what stuff you were going to have to face, but he put within you everything you need to be victorious! I love and bless you honey. Peace to you!"

We All Need Friends
Then shortly after that, another friend wrote to me:

"Keep your eye on right now, praise God right now for the goodness he has shown to you today. Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. God has taken care of you, he will always take care of you. Remember we are studying that we have power and wisdom that comes directly from our Father, ask him for some power!! You have to let go of the power you are trying to have to control this whole situation and turn to you Father to give you his limitless power, he is in control. I love you and I will continue to pray you through this, you can do it. Ask for help from those around you, remember we are all the arms and legs of the body of Christ!!"

And if that wasn't enough, I got a job offer. I got some packing done. I got some cleaning done. And most importantly, when my husband walked in the door I had great news to tell him on many fronts, and I was exuberant! He left me in despair and came home to me in joy!

Finally, God spoke this one last thing to my heart, inspired by 1 Corinthians 13:10-12.

Diamonds never go back to being coal.


  1. Love your final quote! Going to borrow that one!

    Did you know Isaiah 54 is my life chapter? Read further in it to see the promises for my children.

    Love, Mom

  2. I am so glad! Isn't God good to us! I have been praying for you, I wish I had wisdom like you do, and I hope that my email helped at least a little.


  3. I forgot to include another very important e-mail that came in that same day from yet another wonderful friend who prayed for me.

    She said, "In another month you will be there and PHEWW!! Rejoice and be glad that you're dreams and desires are coming to pass. I will pray for you, but honestly I have so much faith for you, more than for myself, I KNOW that the LORD will take care of you all, and you will go. I just know. I will be praying for that dark cloud to go away, and for blue sunny skies to appear."

    So remarkable how the encouragement just flowed over me that day. Thank you.

  4. Mom, those are awesome promises. Strongholds are being broken for sure!!