|Running in the Night|
Yep, I'm one of those people who deal with stress and anxiety by trying to control the things around me. I knew I was doing it. In fact, I knew how it was going to go before I even laid down in my bed. But I did it anyway, hoping that it would be different just this one time.
(Have I mentioned that I'm very excited about my new three-bedroom house????)
|Noise in my Head|
I tried to spend time with the Lord. I tried to hear His still small voice, but it was drowned out by the noise in my head yelling at me that I am a terrible mother, a terrible person, that I will never change. Funny how the lies seem so real in those moments, isn't it? I know these lies. They are familiar to me. In fact, I know they are lies! These are not the words my Lord speaks to me. I know the truth about myself, and it is not that I'm a bad mother.
Thankfully, I had the courage to reach out and call a friend and tell her the truth about how I was feeling. As I talked with her, I heard the cry of every mother's heart in my own words. I will never be as good as I hope to be, but that's because I'm not meant to be. Those prototypes in the recesses of my soul, the ones that seem to govern my expectations of myself; they are not from God.
There are just days like these when our job is bigger than we are, when what is asked of us is more than we can give. It is these days, that we must call upon the grace that is available to all of us. It is these days that we must remember that we are all children, even those of us charged with the responsibility of raising our own children. My friend wisely reminded me that by being human in front of my children, I am teaching them how to be human. Yes, I make mistakes and they will too! So even in my weakest moments, I am still being a good mother!
|Paradox of Perfection|
Slowly, the haze began to lift. I was able to do the next thing on my list, and as I made progress I made adjustments in my expectations and in the expectations others had of me. I shared my needs with those who could help me, and my husband picked up pizza for dinner and another friend came over to help me run errands and pack things in my kitchen. We made so much progress, even after being away from the house for an hour or so. It more than made up for any lack of progress I was feeling earlier in the day.
And then I heard this song...another Jars of Clay song from The Shelter album. This one is called "Run in the Night (Psalm 27)."
The first verse reminds me of what I know, even if I forget it sometimes: